Castle or Cage

July, 2002

Castle Or Cage

By: Yasmin Mogahed

I saw you dancing in the snow.
I saw you walking late at night,
along paths of steep walkways
and thorny branches.
you spent your whole life searching,
but what you found
was it castle or cage?
where is your world?
Of it, are you prisoner or prince?
who are your parents?
did not the moon divorce the sun?

i saw it all in a dream
i thought.
the voices seem clearer now.
every poem is a path
every hardship a journey.
it ends with the crown
made of twisted pain,
withered petals.
are you writing a song with your life?
who do you think will listen?
who do you think is watching?

i think you got lost
in your own mind,
amid your own thoughts.
you lost your way
somewhere between
pleasure and pain.
it got fogged
somewhere between
here and there,
between snow and sun.
i wish the cold had waited.

i'm sorry.

there's a world
below the world,
beyond and deeper yet.
you and i can see
but not they.
there's a pain
beyond tears,
a speech
beyond thought.
there's a land of hope
untouched by words.
there's a heart
understood by none.

i left you alone
to search.
I'm sorry.
What you found
was it castle or cage?

Long After the Euphoria Has Passed

Something I wrote many years ago...I think I wrote all of it with my eyes closed (literally) :)...


Long After the Euphoria Has Passed

This time, sadness. not urgency. just sadness.

i know.

but what's the point of explaining? what's the point
in trying anymore? where's the reason for that
awareness?  where's the point? what can it change to
know why?  and to capture the reason, embody it, and
explain it beautifully?  what path will change?  what
reason will depart?

and yet, i waste my words. my effort to think. the
energy to lift my head, when i'm so tired. so tired
inside. so depleted, although unused. depleted without
being taken.  lost without ever having known my way.
broken before being whole.  how can something break
that never even was?

long after the euphoria has passed, what's left?  no
sentences, just fragments of broken thoughts. the fear
of being right. it's almost strong enough to make you
break the truth you know.  and after having broken it
with your own hands, believing the lies it tells.  we
all lie. we all lie. i'm lying now. i'm not okay. my
words are nothing but a transparent bravado.

i don't even have anything to say anymore, but i'm
still writing. why? who's listening anymore? who's
even listening? not even me. not even you. no one.
does nothingness exist? it does here.  in this quite
space in my mind, it exists. and i'd like to keep it
that way.  i don't want to be here anymore. i'm tired.


only sadness this time. not urgency. only sadness long
after  the euphoria has passed.  but i'll still be
standing here.  i'll still be here.   wondering if
it's all just a shadow of a dream i forgot to
remember. stop. please stop. i'm just a shadow of a
dream i forgot to forget. 

and i refuse, oh, i refuse, to be anything more.

if you don't like it, let me be.  let me be. long
after the euphoria has passed, that's all i'll be. the
thing i refuse to accept, the lies i refuse to
believe, the faces i refuse to hide. the words are
passing through holes in my mind. i built them for
you.  they're just holes in my mind. holes. it's
alright. it's not alright. it just is.

and i refuse, oh, i refuse, to be anything more...long
after the euphoria has passed.

i'll still be standing here. 
i promise.
i promise.
i promise.

On the struggle of life…

On the struggle of life…
By: Yasmin Mogahed

I thought of you today
I thought of you and remembered those words you told me
In the most perfect way
You calmed my beating heart
And eased my breath
You told me those words and I carry them still
They lift me, fill me, undo the wear
Because more than pain, I am worn
I feel like I’ve lived this story for a thousand years
And I’m ready now to sleep
I’m ready to let go
I’m ready for the story to end now
I’m ready to feel your peace
And the sound of your voice
Telling me I’m done, I’ve won, I’m there
But I know I know this place
I’ve been here before
I’m going to sleep now
I’m going to sleep
Please don’t ask
Please don’t ask
Just let me sleep
Just let me sleep with your words upon my tongue:
‘Oh mankind, indeed you are ever toiling towards your lord, painfully toiling…
But you shall meet Him’ (84:6)

Me

i love my friends, i have a tendency to care too much about people, if you wrong me, i'll probably forgive you, i see through people, i give too much, i'm overly idealistic, which often translates to utter stupidity and the complete inability to let go of what i hold dear, i think peanut butter and chocolate were made for each other, my name is sona if you're special, i'm newly IN LOVE with Lifehouse, i think mecca is a piece of heaven on earth, God is my air and writing, my breathing, i wish i could figure skate and play the violin, i can't stand macho apathetic men, i think smoking should be outlawed, i like people who admit they don't have it all figured out, there's almost nothing i wouldn't do for my sisters, i love to understand people that no one else does, i'm moved by rain, i think it takes strength to cry, i'm still hopeful, i strive for wisdom and insight, i'm overly emotional and intense, i value empathy, sincerity, humility, and honesty, i ask that you don't lie to me...and if i could...i'd be watching Niagara fall right now.

Have Mercy on Me My Soul

Have Mercy On Me My Soul

By Khalil Gibran

Why are you weeping, my Soul?
Knowest thou my weakness?
Thy tears strike sharp and injure,
For I know not my wrong.
Until when shalt thou cry?
I have naught but human words to interpret your dreams,
Your desires, and your instructions.
Look upon me, my Soul;
I have consumed my full life heeding your teachings.
Think of how I suffer!
I have exhausted my life following you.
My heart was glorying upon the throne,
But is now yoked in slavery;
My patience was a companion,
But now contends against me;
My youth was my hope,
But now reprimands my neglect.
Why, my Soul, are you all-demanding?
I have denied myself pleasure
And deserted the joy of life
Following the course which you impelled me to pursue.
Be just to me,
Or call Death to unshackle me,
For justice is your glory.
Have mercy on me, my Soul.
You have laden me with Love until I cannot carry my burden.
You and Love are inseparable might;
Substance and I are inseparable weakness.
Will e’er the struggle cease between the strong and the weak?
Have mercy on me, my Soul.
You have shown me Fortune beyond my grasp.
You and Fortune abide on the mountain top;
Misery and I are abandoned together in the pit of the valley.
Will e’er the mountain and the valley unite?
Have mercy on me, my Soul.
You have shown me Beauty,
But then concealed her.
You and Beauty live in the light;
Ignorance and I are bound together in the dark.
Will e’er the light invade darkness?
Your delight comes with the Ending,
And you revel now in anticipation;
But this body suffers with the life
While in life.
This, my Soul, is perplexing.
You are hastening toward Eternity,
But this body goes slowly toward perishment.
You do not wait for him,
And he cannot go quickly.
This, my Soul, is sadness.
You ascend high, though heaven’s attraction,
But this body falls by earth’s gravity.
You do not console him,
And he does not appreciate you.
This, my Soul, is misery.
You are rich in wisdom,
But this body is poor in understanding.
You do not compromise,
And he does not obey.
This, my Soul, is extreme suffering.
In the silence of the night you visit The Beloved
And enjoy the sweetness of His presence.
This body ever remains,
The bitter victim of hope and separation.
This, my Soul, is agonizing torture.
Have mercy on me, my Soul!

This is a poem I wrote 10 years ago. Its a poem about the search for purpose and the paralyzing pain of not knowing it.

Niche

My bones want to melt

My muscles want to let go

My body wants to stop

Walking,

Struggling

Fighting,

for air,

for life.

My mind painted a picture for me,

But now it’s all in black and white.

The trees are bent, tired, closed.

My heart, the same

But still, my thoughts keep talking,

Walking,

Struggling,

Fighting,

For air,

For life.

How can you erase a picture so clear,

So real?

Tell me how to erase myself from it,

And lay, my own tired steps to rest.

I see

I’m stumbling,

Not walking.

I’m tripping now

Not talking.

There’s a pain inside my chest

Born of silence, grief, unrest

Who’s there but me to claim it?

Who knows but me to name it?

I’m sorry for my apathy,

My lassitude at dawn.

I’m circling now through forests

Trying to find my niche.

Has inspiration come to me?

Whose voice is it I hear?

My own is sharp and deafening.

Who else could know my name?

It is only through His kindness

That the heart can speak

When the mind and body

are numb,

Only dragging. 

Please come,

If only to quiet my thoughts.

I’m circling forests

On wings

Still searching for my niche.

I’m no longer

Walking,

Struggling,

Fighting.

I’ve won the air

I’ve won my life.

I Prayed for Peace Today

I Prayed for Peace Today
By: Yasmin Mogahed

February 23, 2010 12:37 am 

I found myself praying for peace today.
I've been in and out of my mind a thousand times
I know You heard me.
I know I wasn't alone in that room,
shaking with the fear of fear,
the harrowing loneliness.
I cried out to You on my hands. On my knees.
With my face pushed down against the ground.
If I could have gotten lower, I swear I would.
Because that is helplessness, the truest kind…
The kind that knows nothing, not one leaf, or tear, or smile can be
without Him.
I learned something today.
Again.
This is dunya. Dunya. Not a place of ease. Only glitter.
The place where you have to feel cold and hungry.
The place where you have to worry and feel scared.
The place where it gets cold.
So cold, sometimes.
The place where you have to leave the people you love.
Where you can’t get attached, because even if you do, it doesn’t make it stay, it just makes it hurt when it doesn’t.
The place where happiness and sadness are only players, waiting for their next line in a play…
Competing for their place on stage.
The place where gravity makes you fall, and frailty makes you bleed.
The place where sadness exists, because it must.
And tears fall to remind you of a place where they don’t.
Where they just don’t.

And isn’t that just it? Isn’t jennah that place after all,
that place that Allah describes over and over and over in 2 ways?:
La khawfun alayhim wa la hum yahzanoon…
On them shall be no fear…nor shall they grieve.

But I’m still here, aren’t I?
The scar on my flesh reminds me of that.
The burn on my arm left a scar that I love.
I love it because it reminds me how weak I am.
How human.
That I burn. That I bleed. That I break. That I scar.
Yes. It is here that I am. Here that I fall. Here that I cry.
Here, just the same, that You filled that room, and lifted me to humbleness, and an acute knowledge of my own powerlessness and excruciating need for You.
And then you took care of it.
Of course You did.
Of course.
Like Younus, and Musa, and his mother. You took care of it.
You are the Peace of the peaceful.
The Strength of the strong.
The lighthouse of Truth in this storm of lies.
So, I found myself praying for peace today.